Do you sometimes find yourself doing things that feel good in the moment but that you later regret? This post explains how that happens and what you can do to change it. What you’ll read here is not a substitute for therapy: if your actions consistently create problems for you or for others at home or at school, please work with me or another therapist trained in the DBT or UP-A protocols.
It all begins with a math score of 53%. In Chapter 11 of Junior High, Tegan barely has the test back in her hands before her mind races to a catastrophic thought: “I’m going to be grounded for my entire life.” And grounded means no party at their friend Noa’s this weekend. No first gig, the one she and Sara have been waiting for, the chance to finally play their own songs for their friends. The thought is unbearable, and her body sounds the alarm. She pulls tight as a guitar string. Fists clench. Eyes go wide. Something slides down her cheek, maybe a tear, maybe a bead of sweat, and her stomach knots. Her whole system is screaming one message: make this feeling stop. And when an emotion shouts that loudly, it doesn’t just ask to be felt. It demands to be acted on.
So Tegan and Sara do the only thing that seems possible in that moment: they photoshop the grade on the computer. They both know it’s not OK, but in the grip of intense fear, they see no other way out. After all, missing Noa’s party would mean missing a chance to introduce their friends to the songs they’ve written themselves.
You can probably guess what happens next. It doesn’t take long for Tegan’s mom to discover that the new grade isn’t real. Because Tegan and Sara faked it, the consequences land hard: cell phone, internet, and TV privileges are all gone until Tegan brings her math grade up for real.
Changing the grade is what therapists like me who use the UP-A protocol call an emotion-driven behavior. Once we look at Tegan’s fear up close, her actions make sense. The math score of 53% sets off thoughts like “I won’t be able to do the gig” and “That would be the end of everything.” Those thoughts are so uncomfortable that she feels an urgent need to do something, anything, to ease the discomfort. Meanwhile, the alarm ringing through her body is the fight-or-flight response we all carry: the same ancient system that helped our ancestors survive. To Tegan’s nervous system her math score might as well be one of the bears our predecessors had to face. Her whole being tells her to escape. And escape, right now, looks like changing the grade so that she and Sara can still play at Noa’s party.
But as Tegan and Sara find out, emotion-driven behaviors create problems of their own. That very night, they lose privileges that matter to them. Worse, Tegan feels more terrible, not less. When her mom uncovers the real grade, shame crashes over her, and her self-respect takes a hit: “I MESSED UP! I FAILED THE TEST! … I’M A LIAR AND A CHEATER!”
Wouldn’t you agree that emotion-driven behaviors like hiding what really happened and changing a grade are short-lived solutions? They buy us temporary relief when our emotions run high. But in the long run, we still have to face what happened, we feel even more uncomfortable than before, and we’ve created brand-new problems like lost privileges and lost trust from the people we love and respect.
Looking closely at the triggering event (a math score of 53%), the thoughts (“I’m going to be grounded for my entire life”), the sensations (clenched fists, a pounding heart), and the urge to escape what feels like a huge bear about to swallow her entire life helps us make sense of Tegan’s emotion-driven behavior. And once we can make sense of it, we are in a position to manage our emotions better and to choose behaviors that serve our long-term goals instead.
And if patterns like Tegan’s show up again and again in your own life, creating problems for you or the people around you, working with a therapist like me who is trained in the DBT or UP-A protocols can help you find a better way through.
What do you think? What other options did Tegan have besides photoshopping her grade?
Free 20-minute consultation by phone — a chance to ask questions and see if we're a good fit.
Request a Free Consultation